I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a long time now. It’s not that I want to really “air all of my dirty laundry” to our dear readers, but the topic of depression seems so taboo and scary and folks are just unwilling to discuss it. But, when you start to talk about “it” and discuss depression like the real thing that it is, you realize it’s common, it’s real, and it can become more easy to deal with the big evil, scary thing that is depression. So, here we go.
If you are thinking about hurting yourself please call 1-800-273-8255
I am depressed. Well, not right now, I actually feel pretty good. Kind of sleepy. My shoulders hurt. And I have a headache…but I always have a headache. But, if you go talk to my doctor and he violates privacy laws and tells you about my medical issues, he’d probably say: “Well, Tyler has high blood pressure and suffers from chronic migraines, he’s overweight – but I just keep stressing health to him and not being skinny, oh, and he suffers from depression, which is controlled by medication.” Yep, that’s right, this funny, witty, sweet, and friendly fella writing this blog takes medicine for depression. And I have taken medication for just over a year now. And I’m not ashamed or embarrassed. Let me tell you my story…
In May of 2011, my parents were in a terrible motorcycle accident that left them in the hospital for close to a week, having the same surgery, on the same day, at the same time, for the same injuries. I almost lost both of my parents that day. That July, while vacationing in Florida with Eric, my parents called to let me know that my grandmother, my Nana, was in the hospital and was at the risk of passing away very soon – she made it until the end of the month. All the while I was working in a very stressful environment, making very little money. Then I quit my job. Then I started graduate school. Then the shit hit the fan.
I didn’t know how to cope with everything that had occurred in my life. I was emotional. I was sad. I felt lost and afraid. And I wanted to end my life. The suicidal thoughts and ideations seemed to never end. Day in and day out I thought about my plan, how I could take my life, how much I wanted it to all be over. Then I started to make promises to myself and bargain with my own psyche, things like: just make it to tomorrow morning and if tomorrow is a bad day, you can end it; or, you have to just make it to the weekend and you will be okay.
It was during the fall of 2011 when I started graduate school and was working a part time graduate assistant position; but, I could barely make it to work or class. I laid in the bed or on the couch all day. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stay awake. I wanted to stress eat and I had no appetite. I’d play games in my head about getting out of bed or off of the couch – I’d tell myself that I would count to 10, then I had to get up. I’d lay in bed until I was forced to get up or risk pissing myself. I wouldn’t shower or shave for days on end. It was sad, and lonely, and terrifying. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt like a stranger living in my own body and in my own mind. And I tried to hide it all, from my friends, from my parents, from Eric, from myself.
But they knew.
I finally made the trip to my doctor and talked to him, telling him what was happening, how I was feeling, and, most of all, that I needed help. But I was afraid and embarrassed. I was mad at myself for allowing myself to get to a place where I needed help – where I had to tell someone that there was something wrong with me. I felt weak. But my doctor, and a good friend I was in school with at the time, helped me make sense of it all. They both shared with me that my depression was something out of my control. That the chemicals in my brain were out of balance and needed help getting back in the correct place.
I also learned that a combination of being out of work, being tight for money, finishing college and moving and losing friends, having to make new friends, and deal with the stress of an ever-changing world makes depression a reality for many a twenty-something. Unfortunately it’s not a rare occurrence to feel lost, alone, afraid, sad, and depressed in these years between our teens and our 30′s. I found that I’m not alone (and you aren’t either).
I learned, from my doctor and my own research, that a combination of medicine, therapy, exercise, mindfulness, and happiness-inducing activities could help me get back on track. And it has. The medication kicked in within a few weeks and I started to feel better – just a little bit. Then my energy started to come back – but just a tiny bit. Then the good feelings returned – month, by month, by month. I worked on getting outside more. I started to wake up earlier and take in the sunlight to start my day. Now I take vitamins and natural energy supplements to help me feel more energetic and able to accomplish daily tasks.
I practice mindfulness now – meaning I strive to enjoy each moment of my day, even the boring or simple tasks. I use mantras and sayings to begin and end my day and center my mind with positive thinking (my favorite is what I say when I wake up and when I go to bed: Everyday, in every way, I’m getting better and better.)
But it has taken time. It’s taken months. I lost a job in the process. I had to quit graduate school. My relationships have suffered. I’ve changed. But, I can now say a little over a year later that I’m getting back to the person I was before. I feel better about myself. I’m glad I’m here. And I enjoy the life that I’m living.
But, most of all, I’m not ashamed of my depression, of the terrible thoughts and feelings I had about myself then, and the steps I’ve taken to get to where I am now. Has it been a difficult journey? You bet it has. Has it been hard on me and the people who love me? Oh yeah. But, it’s been worth it.
Thanks for letting me share my story,
Tyler
Tyler thank you for sharing this! I too suffered depression when I was pregnant and during Kaden’s early months. I felt very conflicted and shameful about it and still have yet to tell my story, but hearing yours gives me a little more confidence to do that one day. What beautiful honesty.
Very much appreciate you sharing. I am starting to see a lot of my “down times” and anxiety through a depression lens. Thanks to the openness of friends and family who struggle with depression–I’ve started to be more comfortable with taking medication.
Tyler, thank you so much for sharing your story! I suffer from an Anxiety disorder that manifests itself in a hair pulling tick called Trichotillomania. I pull out my eyelashes, eye brows, head hair and other bodily hair due to the anxiety disorder. Mental issues are serious things but unfortunately both the disorder and our society encourages feelings of shame and guilt and silence. “I can’t tell anyone about this because it’s not normal! They’ll think I’m weird! What if they don’t believe me and think I’m just trying to hurt myself (this one happens a lot with trichsters, it’s a myth about Tricholtillomania).”
I am so proud of you for telling your story because I know you have inspired me to tell mine and I’m sure more people will feel the same once they’ve read this post of yours!. It’s funny how we always think our problems are so unique to us. “No one else can know about this because no one else has experienced this” or “no one else knows what it’s like.” When in truth, the more we become transparent with each other the more we realize there is always someone out there who knows what we’re going through. How encouraging would it be if everyone started being truthful about what we are struggling with and then helped each other? Why do you think AA and Weight Watchers are so popular and successful? Because it is people with the same problems coming together and sharing the burden! And from my perspective, I wish Church was more like this too! Sinners joining together to help each other grow more like Christ, NOT self-righteous people who think they are better than “those people over there!” (but this is a whole other soap box.)
I pray that you are encouraged daily to continue growing and healing! I pray God moves more and more people into your life who can relate and help you share your burden! I pray that blessings will pour down upon you abundantly for your courage! And that grace will fill your heart and give you life!
This is very moving, Tyler, and also extremely relatable. We truly need to create a dialogue about mental health in this country. Your words are completely without self-pity or self-loathing. I am proud of you, proud of me, proud of the message of strength you’ve given here. I love you.
Thank you for sharing your story Tyler. You are an inspiration.
I adore your willingness to be open and transparent about something so many of us struggle with. Thank you!
Tyler, you are brave and wonderful. I’ve suffered from depression for the last three plus years since my knee injury and have had the same thoughts and played the same games as you describe here. I have also found some relief with meditation and mindfulness. Its very easy to feel alone and strange whe you are in such a dark place, but the truth is: each of us has things we struggle with and its so important to remember that you are not alone. Thank you so much for reminding me that I am not alone. ♥ it means so very much ♥
tyler, i have a long history with depression. started in 8th grade — feelings or despair and suicidal ideation.. it is genetic, and it is brutal. hang in there, and know that there are millions out there sharing the same story. with the right care, and the right support system, you will be 100% a-ok. i am now an old man at the age of 43 (44 this month!) and i have lived to tell. modern medicine is a wonderful thing. i have been on an even keel for the past 15+ years. yes, i may take meds for the rest of my life, but at least i have the rest of my life.
Kudos to you and sharing your story. Many people have no idea my level of depression, my story and list of medications they just see the blogger behind the computer. It seems as if we are taking the same steps to make it better for ourselves and the people we love <3 Good luck and PS your awesome at what you do
I stumbled upon this entry (and thus this blog!) during one of my many Google-rampages earlier today searching for some kind of momentary relief from my current depression. I’ve been dealing with it in a serious way for the last 2+ months after experiencing some events while traveling solo in Asia that were traumatic for me, and before that maybe in a very mild form. I am 23 myself and recently began medication but haven’t seen much results yet. Your entry and the work you do with your friends on this blog are inspiring for me. Gives me hope. At this point I’m just searching for hope from others who know the very deep, dark experience this…disorder, disease, illness, whatever you like to call it, wreaks on one’s life. So as others have said, thank you for being open and sharing. It is definitely important for those of us feeling scared and alone!
Many thanks to each of you for your comments, your encouragement, and your willingness to share your own stories.
With all my love,
Tyler
It is appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it’s time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I wish to suggest you some interesting things or advice. Perhaps you could write next articles referring to this article. I want to read even more things about it!
hey- so I stumbled on this blog somehow and though I don’t know you- I just realized that Kyle is someone i do know from years back (tell him Meryl from ministry forum says hi!)
I realize this comment comes way after the time of your original post, but I just wanted to say thank you for being so open and honest. Though my personal struggle with depression has only been recent short lived (pregnancy)… my experience on the other side of things, walking through the struggle with someone I love very much, has been something I’ve known for a long time. This post help to explain many things I didn’t understand. It really meant alot to me to read something so transparent and real.
Lots of love to you!! thanks so much for sharing.